A few years ago, a father told me that at the time of his child’s birth, he felt invisible. He was physically there, just a few steps away, but he felt like he was watching his family’s story unfold without being able to truly participate.
And he’s not alone.
In our discussions about pregnancy and childbirth, the father’s role often remains unclear. We congratulate him for being “present,” we thank him for “holding the hand” or “cutting the cord.” But what about his real, concrete, active role, and the support he can offer – not only to the mother, but also to himself and to their baby?
What if we changed this view?
“We’ve had a lot of practice making this baby, but really too little practice welcoming it!” -Benoit, Father
How the Active Presence of the Father Changes Everything
My interest in the role of fathers stems from what I’ve observed over hundreds of support sessions: the more engaged, involved, and confident a father is, the more it softens the mother’s experience. It’s simple: a prepared father becomes a pillar who makes the journey smoother, more secure, and gentler.
Research confirms this:
- The mother’s stress and fear decrease, which facilitates the physiological progress of birth.
- The bond between father and baby forms early and more intensely.
- The couple experiences a foundational moment together, which can strengthen the relationship in the long term.
A System That Relegates Fathers to the Role of Extras
A friend shared with me her experience playing the role of “father” during her partner’s labor and delivery. She was stunned by the lack of space, empathy, and consideration given to fathers in the healthcare system. Too often, they’re considered accessories.
Many women indeed experience various forms of violence, and some teams believe they are protecting them by keeping fathers at a distance. But I deeply believe that the opposite is true: by keeping them at a distance, we deprive the mother of an ally and prevent the father from fulfilling his role.
As a doula, I have had a front-row seat to this relationship. I was able to observe, qualify, support, inform, and, above all, lay a solid foundation for communication, enabling everyone to fully develop their parenting skills from birth.
“When a woman goes to the garage with her partner, the mechanic only talks to the man. It’s the same at the hospital, even if I’m there, everyone just talks to the wife!” – Steve, Father
The Obstacles That Hold Fathers Back
Even with the best will in the world, many men arrive at childbirth feeling like “last-minute guests” rather than full participants.
The reasons?
- A lack of preparation specifically tailored to fathers.
- Cultural models that still present childbirth as “women’s business.”
- Medical environments where, out of habit or constraint, they place the father as an observer and not a participant.
And there’s also a taboo: that of fathers’ emotions. Many tell me they didn’t feel empowered to express their fear, their confusion, or even their intense joy, as if their experiences didn’t matter as much. When we make room to listen to the father’s feelings, everything changes.
“The message that did me the most good was ‘Be the father you are!’ That’s what allowed me to release the pressure!” – Alexandre, Father
When We Give Fathers Their Rightful Place
When we include fathers from the very beginning of pregnancy, everything changes.
- They know how to support the mother during intense moments (and not just tell her to “breathe”).
- They understand the physiology of birth and can protect her, even in the face of the unexpected.
- They gain confidence in their ability to be present, even without constantly “acting.”
I’ve seen fathers become the voice that calms, the hands that support, the eyes in which the mother finds anchorage. I’ve also heard fathers say they’ve experienced their own transformation, an initiatory passage that prepared them for fatherhood.
Why It Concerns Us All
Giving fathers their place isn’t about “making room” for them by taking it away from the mother. It’s about expanding the space available for the entire family. When the father is well prepared, he becomes a powerful ally in protecting the birth, supporting the mother, and forging a strong bond with the baby. And this benefit lasts a lifetime.
I dream of the day when we consider birth as a triad: mother, baby, and father/partner. The day when, during the stay, we also nourish the partner, not just in a nutritional sense, but emotionally, relationally, and humanly, we’ll be able to say we’re on the right track.
About the Author
Annick Bourbonnais is a perinatal support worker, relationship counselor, hypnosis practitioner, trainer at the Perinatal Academy, and a committed facilitator. A spokesperson for the unspoken realities, she uses words to break silences, provoke reflection, and create change.
Creator of the podcast Papa Raconte, she gives a voice to those who are often unheard in birth stories. With sensitivity, depth, and a touch of bite, she explores the blind spots of parenting to bring to light truths that transform families and sometimes the systems around them.
What is the Podcast Papa Raconte?
I created Papa Raconte to give fathers this voice. From the very first season, I heard stories that moved me: fathers who had to defend their place, others who found unexpected ways to support their mothers, and some who discovered, in childbirth, a strength they never suspected.
This podcast is back for a second season, with even more true, intimate, and inspiring stories. Because every story counts, and the more we listen to fathers, the more we understand how essential their role is.
Podcast link: https://hypnodoula.ca/pages/podcast
